Monday, September 13, 2010
So today is one of "those days," if you know what I mean. I decided that I absolutely needed to write in my journal. I stink at it right now, but I don't WANT to stink at it. The ironic thing here is, this isn't the only post I've had since August 20th, even though it appears to be. I've missed posting but I've not done it. But I have in my mind. If you had any idea how many times I've composed this blog in my mind, hearing the words, sounding out how they felt, thinking about how I would say how I've been thinking about writing for a while now...and here we are, almost a month after my last blog! Do you do that? Do you compose things in your mind and never get around to actually putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard?
I am a crabby patty today. I'm so tired of fat, so tired of feeling disappointed in friends, worn out with the clutter that I have such trouble controlling, tired of always figuring yet another thing out. I know how blessed I am, and I realize how ridiculous and petty it is to write this out, but it is my friggin' journal and I can have this day today.
There are days, like today, when it is difficult to move. The last conversation I had with my husband, on Sunday, ended abruptly in the middle of him being relatively pissy. He and I were discussing the pros and cons of selling one of our cars, and the connection was bad and it was difficult to understand him. Sometime it appeared he just sat and stared with a blank look on his face (we were on Skype). I would say something and it appeared he just sat and stared. Then he seemed upset about my point of view about the car, and I felt I was being reprimanded or "talked to," if you know what I mean. This isn't a big deal, but the faulty connection made it more challenging, and then on top of it, we got cut off, right in the middle of the chat. Just like that. Then I had no internet connection for a long, long while. Hours. No reason, just--CUZ. So we had this unresolved conversation that just hung there...like a dangling participle, but even more annoying and aggravating!
So another day has gone by and he wasn't able to contact me, and I just have felt melancholy today. Add to just wanting to talk with my husband, I also just feel overwhelmed with my tasks right now. I have a car to sell, or not sell, depending on what we decide. There are things to do for that. I have school starting in a week. I have been an undergrad for almost half of my life...I am scared to death to be a grad student. It's not that I don't think I'm capable. Well maybe it is? Maybe I just know very well how to be an undergrad, but I am totally new at being a graduate student. I am scared. Excited and scared. I will have a lot of work to do!
I cannot seem to get the yard taken care of from other sources. Some people were asking astronomical amounts to do the mowing and general maintenance, and most have been unreliable with responding or coming or doing what they said they would. I've been ripped off, too. With my heart and my knee issues, I am uncertain about mowing the entire lawn myself, and Aaron hasn't done it before. But I think I will just have to figure out how, and do it. Maybe it is something that will take a few days to complete, but it will get done. And I'll save money, as long as I don't hurt myself! I am a lot of woman, so to speak, and I have had multiple surgeries that make my hills challenging. I am sick and tired of trying to beg and plead for people to do this and giving them money to do it. I'll keep my money and Aaron and I will team-mow, and the baby will be taken care of by whoever isn't mowing. Case closed.
I have had an intensely difficult time since Neal left to go back to Iraq. Nothing that needs medicated or intervened, okay? Just...very sad. Really feeling him gone. The space he occupied so wonderfully feels so incredibly empty. We had just a wonderful, blessed time. We cherished every moment. Now it is such a sweet, almost tangible memory, but I can't even describe aptly in words how much I do miss him. I feel resentment when people complain about their husbands, or say they can't stand being around them, etc...I am just baffled. I choose to love and cherish the time I've had with Neal, and I pray for his safety and look forward to every time we talk. You know, it was amazing to me. When Neal was home, some friends of mine had a Girls' Night Out--I would have gone, if it hadn't been during Neal's leave. But I actually had a good-intending friend say to me "Oh, I don't know Julie. I love my husband, but I still need a break from him from time to time--I jump on a Girls' Night Out!"---this after I explained why I wouldn't make it this time. I was...flabbergasted. If Neal were home, for good, okay. I agree. But the insensitivity of her to say that to me when my husband is in Iraq for the year and only home for 2 weeks...well. I don't need to say anything else. You get me, I think. I forgive my friend. I know she wasn't thinking about her words. But words are powerful, friends. They can cut like a knife. They must be guarded and thought about. Please.
The food addiction is a nightmare during about 1 week of the month, which happened to hit me the week after Neal departed once more. Holy smokes, I regained 4 pounds in that week. I just was very sad, and eating inappropriately. I also believe I had some post-traumatic stress from Aaron's bike accident the night before Neal left. I didn't even mention that yet here as a stressor...but yes, that was horrible. Horrible and very scary. And see, in very stressful situations and emergency situations, I'm great. I do really great. But after all is take care of, the ambulance drives off, or whatever...I let down and really feel it. So the week after Neal left and after Aaron's accident, I was regularly crying, sobbing, weeping...any variation on crying. Just a mess.
I'm not there anymore, thank the Lord! I am working my way out of the fog. But this particular fog has been more difficult this time, with this parting. I don't know why. Maybe just a whole lot to deal with currently. Don't know.
I am now going to list some things that I am so thankful for, in no particular order:
My children. My precious, beautiful children.
My sweet, concerned, helpful friends.
My wonderful family.
My kitty, Sarah. So comforting and opinionated.
My church. Lots going on, and such a blessing.
The food we have access to as a family.
Weight Watchers, and Lynda. I look forward to my meetings every week, even when it's been a "bad" week.
The ability to walk, move, think, breathe. I have had some of these things compromised in the past due to illness or injury, and I do not want to lose the ability to continue these abilities.
My country--God bless the USA!
My freedom and my rights.
Okay...that has been my therapy for today. I have other things that hurt my heart tonight, but just talking about what I have today has made a huge difference for me. Thanks for allowing me to unload and share.