A Year Ago

I tried to post this a week ago, to no avail...sorry!







Unbelievably, unfathomably, a year has passed and our baby is no longer a itty bitty
newborn! He's a crawling, cruising, exploring, laughing, energetic One Year Old! He went from NG tube feedings with breastmilk supplements, to bottle feedings, to exclusively breastfeeding, to some baby foods at 6 months, to table foods with fewer and fewer nursing sessions! We are going to be starting some whole milk soon (this week), and will continue to nurse as long as it seems to fit for us. We're down to two or three actual "nutritive" sessions, plus a couple times for comfort. Pretty typical of a year-old nursling.
Andrew loves table foods! Wow, what an eater! He loves pretty much everything he tries, and at least samples new things most of the time--impressive little dude!
I thought perhaps I could share some photos over the past year, to show how he's grown and changed! So, Andrew, here's to you--you're such a blessing in our lives. We love you, little one!
(Oh, and for those who are curious--I lost 2 lbs this past week and despite having a rough start last week, stuck with it and had a good week!)

Why is it so hard this week? I'm up, late as usual...just in absolute wonder about the power of addiction. It blows my mind! It is such an insidious, all-consuming, bear of a burden sometimes. I give it so fully to God, again, right now. I do every day. But hormones are tough things to wrestle with, and when food is the craving, it can be so hard. But I persevere, I am honest with my intake, I stick with the plan and I write it all down. So, there we have it--a hard week after 6. Not too shabby, I guess, but this is the time in the past when I've tucked tail and turned away from health.

Guess what? Not gonna happen. So it's hard this week. Or just today. Too bad. I still have to wake up tomorrow (actually, err, later today), I have to get dressed, I have to move forward, I have to be strong and I have to, HAVE to, lean on Him. Fully. I don't even completely know what that means! I really don't! I know I must give this to Him, daily, consciously and with purpose. But what then? How? Sometimes it feels like moving through mud. It's like I arrive at the door, lay it down there, and then stand there, waiting for the door to open, I guess? Instead of opening it for myself? I don't know if that's the right analogy. It's lacking. I think it's more, I've arrived, I've laid it down, but...now I am waiting for the light and laser show? Who am I kidding here? What am I waiting for?

I am that way with Bible study, too. His word is a tool for us to live by, it was written and compiled for Christians to work with, to learn from, to grow, to understand more, to share. And yet, how much time have I spent in the word this week? Month? YEAR? Pitiful. But I do tend to just...hold the Bible. Like, maybe I will learn and grow spiritually through osmosis? Or something? I don't "just" go to church. I pray. I talk. I try to walk the walk. I honestly worship--not just attend functions, but try to be a part, to grow, to contribute. But, friends, there is so much that I am not tapping into, that as a Christian I am called to do. I have so much more I could do spiritually, and I could grow and be challenged and question and share, and I only do a little of this. I want to be fed with that spiritual food!

But yeah, I have had the demons coming out more this week. I think hormonal, err, shifts? have been a large contributing factor. But, also, my husband being overseas now (he was still stateside) is a stress factor. I can't deny that. Maybe it's a combination of things.

Planning the little dude's first birthday party! Yay! This will be a fun day, with some family and friends, just relaxing and watching him have cake for the first time. I'm even using the grill--I've never used a gas grill before. Watch out, neighbors! Aaah! :)

Okay, my eyes are totally fogged up now--I need sleep, pronto. As usual, this has been incredibly cathartic. Thank goodness for this outlet. I have felt just-barely-with-it this week and past weekend, and I needed to get it out!

Oh, and on a side note--after eating somewhat indulgently, and with exercise, I was up a pound at last weigh-in. That's IT! That is after being gone almost a week, traveling and eating rich (but portion-controlled) foods in NYC! Wow! I was about to begin my, err, hormone stuff, too--so a pound was probably just due to that. I was pleased with this. And although I say I was pleased, I hate any "increase," no matter the reason or cause or rationality of it. SO, I would love to see a loss this week. Go, team!

Sending you love, as always. :)

I Found Jesus on a Metro Bus in NYC

In the American Museum of Natural History
His first spaghetti and meatball, at Carmine's in uptown NYC!
Aaron is simply shocked!
Outside St. Paul's Chapel near Ground Zero.
This isn't even all of our luggage...Neal looks pooped, yes? Waiting in the train station in New Jersey Secaucus.
Yup, I did. Not saying that Jesus was lost, but we were a little lost--and we received help in the most unlikely of places. But let me back up.

We just returned (yesterday) from a 4-day whirlwind trip to New Jersey and New York City! And by whirlwind, I mean...well, yeah, whirlwind. From the time we left on Friday, May 14th at roughly 7am until we returned at approximately noon on Wednesday, May 19th, we were going, going, going, going. There were times of rest and relaxation, but we definitely had our fill of jet-setting about, getting lost, and recovering from "oopsies"--as well as having an absolute BLAST.

Okay, so, our bus driver, Jim, was a sweet man. Here he was, driving up to New Jersey (specifically the Ft Dix area) with a busload of about 17 women, 2 babies and 2 gentlemen (one older man and my older son, Aaron). I can say right now that I have pretty much no interest whatsoever in owning and/or operating a GPS for the purpose of travel. That being said, I can see the fun in this geocaching deal--I have friends who enjoy it for recreation. It's a game, it's exercise, it's like a huge Seek n Find type of deal--I get that! Fun! But relying solely on a GPS to help you find a location you're unfamiliar with, with no map or atlas for back-up? Yeah, not so much. So, we ended up going the wrong way and spent 2.5 hours in Washington, DC rush hour traffic on Friday afternoon. That's all I'll say about that, as Forrest Gump would say.

We met up with Neal near Ft. Dix (yay!!!) about 10:30pm on Friday night and had dinner--Chinese takeout from Bo Bo's. We stayed at a not-impressive Days Inn for that first night, but we were thankful to just be together and get started on our adventure.

We rode the New Jersey Transit train out of the Hamilton Station in NJ and landed at Secaucus, then rode a taxi to our Residence Inn in Meadowlands, NJ. I'd say we arrived around 2pm, and we were pooped, so instead of going into the city we relaxed in our hotel room and enjoyed some true NYC-style pizza and swam in the pool. Oops. I forgot my suit. Yeah, I forgot my dang swimsuit--but the boys had theirs, so Neal and Aaron swam while I fed the baby and put my feet up. We figured I'd find a suit locally and swim then.
On Sunday we were going to attend services at St. Paul's in NYC, which was right at Ground Zero and served as a respite and resource for rescuers and survivors of the 9/11 attacks. Well, the best-laid plans...it was our first time figuring out our bus and experiencing the Port Authority and finding the subway and riding to a destination...we were really green! But we made it to Ground Zero and we saw the very beautiful St. Paul's Chapel. It smelled of incense and had a really respectful, subdued memorial around the inside walls. Very moving.
We walked south from there, past Wall Street and the bull (who is very popular, by the way), and on to Battery Park and on a Harbor Cruise to both the Statue of Liberty (so neat) and Ellis Island (I only wish we had more time there!!). We then took the subway up to midtown, went to a crazy K-Mart on 34th, got my swimsuit (yup), and went to a nighttime viewing from the 86th floor of the Empire State Building! We then realized at about, oooh, 10:45 pm that we hadn't eaten dinner! So we found a diner at 34th and Broadway--at least, I'm pretty sure it was at Broadway?--and ate some very yummy diner food at the Tic Toc Diner, attached to the New Yorker Hotel.
It was after this that we were the recipients of some real grace. Grace with a capital G, I believe.

We walked across the street, sleeping baby in the stroller, arms full of bags, tired and looking to catch the first bus possible to the Port Authority. After waiting about 20 min, one came along that we wanted. We boarded with dollars in hand....only to realize after sitting down that we could only pay with change. We had no loose change! Bah! I sent Neal up with the dollars and the bus driver kindly and quietly said not to worry about it. We confirmed that the bus would go to the port authority, and he said yes--so we waited a few moments, not making eye contact with the 3 other bus riders--a Rastafarian-looking gentleman with a porkpie cap and long dreads, smelling of stale alcohol from across the aisle. A woman with platinum blonde hair and a feathered hat, with rather risque' clothing and impressive amounts of makeup in the second row of seating, and then a caramel-skinned fellow, seeming to scowl off into the distance near the back of the bus. At that hour, I didn't know what we might find, but I knew it might not be great. I was anxious to find that stop asap, you know?
It was at this time that the dreadlocks man said "You'll want this next stop, friends" and kindly pulled the string above our heads for us--we didn't realize we were approaching our stop. We concealed some surprise at his gesture and thanked him very much as the bus stopped. As we got up, he said "Now you folks go right over there (gestured) and that's the Port Authority. Have a good visit." We thanked him again and unloaded our family and stuff from the bus, and as we stepped down we looked over the direction he had gestured. I happened to look up at the bus as it pulled away, and the younger man sitting at the back of the bus was pointing toward the Port Authority, showing us the way we wanted to go. And it wasn't just that he was pointing--he looked genuinely concerned that we go the right way. There was a kindness and a concern on his face that I won't forget. So, on a Metro bus in the middle of the night, with some folks I'd never guess would show us grace, we experienced it and I am thankful.

The next day was an adventure once again into the city, this time to the American Museum of Natural History. Nope, we didn't see Ben Stiller and the T-Rex didn't come to life! But it was a fantastic day at the museum. Then we ventured even further uptown and enjoyed an evening of food and culture at Carmine's--YUM and fun! If you ever get a chance to go to this rollicking, loud, delicious, huge-portioned place, do! It's worth it for the wait and the loudness. The portions are ridiculously huge, so sharing is the only way! We had caesar salad and prime rib, with asparagus spears and broccoli rabe and garlicky potatoes. Then we rode the subway on back, our last time on the subway, and then rode our bus back to the hotel.

The next day we all swam as a family, relaxed a little, cleaned up and packed up and ventured back to the Ft. Dix area. We spent a few hours at Ft. Dix with Neal, and then the bus arrived and we boarded. We said our goodbyes and it was...hard. Sad. I reopened a wound that had started to heal pretty well. I knew it was coming, and the visit was worth it--sooo worth it. But it was still very, very hard. Aaron wept as Neal held him right outside our bus. We kissed and held each other and I cried and then we were gone.

I am soo glad we went. It was not without hiccoughs...but those road "bumps" are the stuff of funny stories in the future. I knew it was going to be hard, of course, to say goodbye again. This time felt different, as I don't have a fun vacation planned in 6 weeks for us to see him. He's not going to be stateside much longer. It's just different this time.

Also--I stayed in control of my food during the trip! It was not without indulgences, but I was very pleased to stay on program and to exercise a LOT! I am still recovering from all the walking...ouch, muscles! Fantastic exercise and so much fun...ouchie, yes, some. But so great to walk and look up and people watch and just experience such a fantastic city.

Ciao for now!

Fun new glasses! I decided after about...oooh...seven or eight years of black-rimmed glasses, I would go a different route. You like? Kinda hard to see in the picture, but these have no bottom, and are golden and pink and have little diamond thingies on the sides. Fun!

We will soon be visiting Neal at his state-side location up north--we are very excited! We have so much planned, but not so much that we aren't going to just enjoy each other's company and relax and take some time to just be together. It'll be a perfect mix of relaxing and touristy stuff. After we're back I'll fill you in!

I've been losing weight at a pretty steady pace thus far--of course, I'm always scared I'm going to get to a meeting and have a "no loss for the week" week or a gain. I try not to dwell on this idea or to think too far ahead, as I've said before. It's just today I need to work on, and move toward the future in that manner. And I know from past experiences that there can and probably will be times where the weight loss is minimal or non-existant--that happens. Our bodies are complex and this is just a normal thing that occurs during the journey. However, I have to be sure not to allow that to psych me out or have a negative impact on my viewpoint/goals/confidence. And actually, truth be told, it's not confidence that I have. That's not the right word for it, really. It's more assurance. It's an assurance that God is helping me and with me and really the one in control, He's really the one with the plan and the power than enables me to push forward. I can't do it without Him. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of this.

I really, really miss my husband. It's been a harder week than the past few. I've not had "food moments" as a result, which I am SO thankful for. Hallelujah for that! But I have definitely been having some emotionally-charged moments. They don't last for hours, but I find myself retreating into a sadness now and then, crying silently when I'm alone here at home. Then I get to being overly sensitive to others, and I seem to get this sort of desire to be with people and at the same time want to isolate myself. Does that even make sense? So, yesterday, I decided I was going to do my hair, shave my legs, do my makeup, and have some intention in my walk. I had lunch with a dear friend and dinner with other dear friends. I talked and laughed and had some wine and just enjoyed being with people. I really, really felt like wallowing at home. I knew this wasn't what I needed and I pushed to do something else, and I did. Of course, this meant that the kitchen didn't get cleaned and the floor wasn't swept in the living room. I also didn't get the boxes out to the storage unit. These things still aren't done, but today is the day.

The baby woke up at 4:30! Blargh! He didn't wake up happy, either. I waited for a good 15 minutes just to see if he was going to drift back off. Nope. He was sleepy-crying and when I went in, he was this little pitiful guy with his butt in the air, crying into his mattress! :( Poor baby! So, I scooped him up and we nursed until just before 6am. Needless to say, he went back so sleep (thank God!) and...so did I. Thank goodness Aaron is able to feed himself in the morning and get off to school. He does his routine very well--gets up, makes bed, bathroom stuff, gets a bite to eat, watches Wake Up with Al (yes, the Weather Channel) or Monk, then heads off to the bus stop at 6:45. He is so mature now! I'm thankful his head is screwed on tightly, though, because I believe otherwise he would definitely leave it somewhere. Holy cow, is he absent-minded. I see his Reading textbook sitting on the floor right now. Oops.

Aaron's hair is falling out at an alarming rate right now. Sigh. I hate that for him. He has such beautiful, thick, dark brown hair. In fact, because of this thick hair, he is really blessed! It covers up the bald spots. Sadly, the bald spots are spreading, growing, and changing shape. For years the alopecia areata was just as it is defined--small, round, smooth bald spots. He had two that stayed with him pretty much all year-round--both on the right side of his head, hidden pretty easily by his thick hair. This isn't the case anymore. The disease does progress that way, too, for some. For others it grows back, for others it just stays the same. Etc, etc. Such is the nature of alopecia--nobody can predict the path/progression it will take. So there was always that chance that his would get worse. I try not to make a big deal about it with him--it really isn't, honestly, when you think about it. I mean, there are no health issues (except skin cancer from exposure if you don't cover up) associated with alopecia--if I had to choose an autoimmune disease that my child had to have, I think this would be the one. It's just hair.

All that being said, it makes me feel sad. He has such gorgeous, thick hair. I just didn't want him to lose it. Oh well. Again, could be so much worse and I shouldn't complain. He certainly said he doesn't care that much about it. It's just that middle school already sucks without something additional like huge bald spots. But I repeat this and encourage Aaron to as well: "That which does not kill me, makes me stronger!" So true! So I feel silly and selfish and small to have heartbreak over his hair falling out, but I just feel that way. I don't know. You just want to protect your kids from stuff, you know?

Waiting for the dang ibuprofen to kick in! Sciatica is bad today! Blah!
Tomorrow is weigh-in--whoohoo! I've so far lost 13.4 lbs. It's a good start. :)
Ciao for now! xox

Another Year!

I'm just overwhelmed with the love and birthday wishes from my Facebook buddies! Truly, that is one thing I really do enjoy about FB. The connection with people who, otherwise, I probably would never had seen or heard from again in this lifetime is just fabulous! This great network of friends, family, acquaintances and the like, all blobbed together and corresponding in various ways--just fantastic! I love it. So I have birthday wishes from family, former coworkers-turned-friends, classmates from 20+ years ago, and so forth. So fun! At a time when I honestly don't feel like doing much for my birthday, it was a pick-me-up. So I'm grateful for that, and it made my day.

Neal doesn't plan a lot ahead for things like this--really, he could have figured out a way to send a card prior to my birthday. He was able, at least a few times, to get to the PX and get a card. He certainly got other stuff at the PX in the last few weeks. But, alas, my birthday came upon him like a thief in the night, and he feels pretty horrible that he didn't get to send a card. I'm not hung up on it--but it's also kinda typical of him! I am not really hurt. Maybe a little tiny bit hurt, but not too much. It happens, and there is plenty on his mind right now to worry about and figure out. My bday should not be at the top of the list!

Weight Watchers is going very well--I have lots and lots of good moments, but some difficult moments mixed in. Very raw, scary, overwhelming moments sometimes. I debate with myself, sometimes trying to compromise, and I have to pray--HARD--to get out of that hole I'm starting to fall into. Ugh! To be totally free of this temptation! What a gift that would be.

However--and most importantly--I journal all of my intake, and am honest about it. Period. I know what the alternative feels like, and I do not want to go back. I am done lying to myself, pretending all is well, meanwhile killing myself. No thanks. Nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels, or so I've heard. I want to find out. Like Jimmy Stewart, out on that bridge in "It's a Wonderful Life"--I want to live again. I want to live again. I can't go on with this shell of unhealthiness surrounding me. I have to continue, and my life depends on it.

Hey, it's Red Blobster tonight with Mom and Craig and the boys! Fun! I am planning ahead--lots of good options there, but also LOTS of pitfalls (read: garlic biscuits). So I'm looking to the fresh fish and seafood to be satisfying and tasty, and some fresh veggies (steamed and salad, methinks). Baked potato is also a good idea, dry, and then I can add what I want to it. Planning is so important with this journey! That, and not starving. When I get to feeling "franticly hungry," I'm in trouble. Just like our wonderful leader at WW has talked about with herself and her own weight loss/health journey--she just doesn't allow herself to get crazy hungry. It's not a good place to be, and temptations abound when you're there!

I've had to fight the temptation to transfer my overdoing. Like to spending. I have little resources for overspending, thank God, and we set it up this way when Neal was preparing to leave. This setup forces me to be even more "in the raw" with trying to fill voids inappropriately and to really face the behavior head-on.

I appreciate TLC and A&E programming--big-time! They have enough of these shows with horribly overweight/obese people dying and trying to live again, that it really really grounds me in reality. Wow.

I have, as of last Saturday, lost 11 lbs in 3 weeks. I will weigh in on Friday this week due to being gone all day on Saturday. It's going to be a blast! Plus I am doing lots of walking, so great exercise! Aaron has a competition with orchestra, then is going to Dollywood with his orchestra for a day of fun/rides/frivolity! I am joining in the bru-haha, and it should be so great! We love Dollywood. Perfect family fun place, truly. Plus I'm meeting up with some friends, so we can be buddies for the day! Great!

I'm also looking forward to Friday night--GNO (Girls' Night Out), plus getting a requirement done for my class! We'll be having dinner and then going to see some live music stuffs at a local jazz place. So fun! I've been taking a History of Jazz class and I've loved it. The class will be finished after this last paper, and it will be my last class at Indiana University! I took a couple courses to enjoy and stay busy, and have loved them. I probably will take things more locally from here on out. Oh, and did I mention--I'm finally getting my diploma from IU! I officially graduate on May 8th! It only took 16 years to get to this point. :D

Okay, Andrew is fussing at me, wanting to nurse--so I will sign off for now! Thanks for all of your love and support. God bless you! Here's to 34!

Just for Today

Just for today, I will decide to choose health. Just for today, I will work on loving myself a little bit more. Just for today, I will have patience with myself and learn to let go.
For today I will plan out my meals, I will eat with intention, I will embrace my choices, and I will forgive myself for my imperfections. For today, I will move some, laugh some, love others abundantly, and hope more and more. I will work on my faith and my vision and will not focus too much on tomorrow or the next day--today is enough.
I will look at my choices and think about them, really think about them and move with them as I act with purpose and confidence. I will pray, and then I will listen. That still, small voice is there--but I have to have an open heart to listen and discern in order to hear it. I will know that I do not have to do this by myself, that I am not alone, that even though I feel loneliness I am not alone, not alone. I am loved and I am a worthwhile woman and I have gifts, talents, and things to offer others. Loneliness and being alone are two different experiences, and being lonely is going to happen. But I am never alone.
I will embrace and search out my resources and will try to find ways to connect, energize, stay positive, and accomplish things, even small things, during my day. Just for today I will finish a project or two. I will love myself more. I will love my boys. I will be gentler, kinder, and will give my older son a break. He's only 11. He is not the reason I have aggrivations, heartaches, or stumbling blocks. Just for today, I will connect with him and love him up and give him the space he needs to grow into the man he's becoming.
Just for today I will keep loving that little baby, and I'll also give him space to laugh, to explore, to fall sometimes. It's okay to fail, and I will provide enough of a chance to tumble but enough protection to cushion the fall. I know someday I won't be able to cushion his falls--for now, for today, I can provide that. I can nurture and love and let go of the things I do not need to hold on to.
Just for today, I will live in today. Nothing more and nothing less. There, but by the grace of God, I will go.

Ch-ch-ch-Changes

(The first picture is the NEW 'DO, and the second picture is the OLD)

Changes!

That's sorta my theme for life this year! After all, there are so many changes. It can feel a bit overwhelming if I look too far into the future--particularly when I start to chew on that one word--YEAR--and get carried away, worrying and wondering and feeling lost. This is counterproductive for my mission(s), so I avoid it. It's also not Biblical--I know that worrying does not add to my days, and I certainly can't change my circumstances (and definitely can't improve them) by worrying and fretting. I have to accept and love where I am, focus on this day alone, and move forward in that manner. Nothing else.

I got my hair chopped (again)! The last time I did it I had it done at a very low-cost chain, and it was cute but not a super-great shape for my face. As it started to grow, it was looking WAY ick. I went back to Bun Julie shortly thereafter, and stayed there until yesterday. I'll post some before/after-type pics so you can see. But to tell you, I had my very good girlfriend watch Andrew, and Aaron got to come home and be ALONE for the first time (!!!) for a little bit, while I had a very, very long appointment--1:15-4:14pm! Holy moly, folks! My butt was falling asleep, plus my wonderful hairdresser is on the shorter side (and those who know me know I am not) and I had to scrunch down in my chair part of the time, heehee. Thankfully I don't have the back issues I used to. Oh my, that wouldn't have worked!

So I knew I wanted color, and something that was natural-looking and young, and a new snazzy cut. Pam (my wondermous hairdresser) mixed a neato color for me, did an overall semi-permanent dye, then came back and did some highlights. Fancy! Then she gave me a really great haircut, and I can wear it straight (with work) or curly (just crunch with my fingers after it's wet). Yay!

I propel myself forward. I will spend time on myself, even a little, to feel good. I will follow my program of health. I will start moving more. I will, with God's help, succeed in improving the insanity I have had in my life. These changes are necessary, they are life-changing, they are "have to's" and I no longer have the luxury of choosing to bow out. I'm in it deep and I have to go forward. So hair it was! A fun pick-me-up! And no more grey, thankyouverymuch. I was looking downright ashy--grey was sprouting and making me dull! Boo!

Andrew and I are doing some gardening today--how fun! I need to get some new gloves, though, before I proceed. Then I think I'll set up Andrew in his playpen outside, and he can watch Mommy get dirty and plant bulbs of all sorts. And weed. And water. Fun! And hey, that counts as exercise!

My friend D. joined me at WW last week--it's great to have a buddy do the program with you. Believe me, having a partner of sorts is sooo helpful and makes life easier. I am hoping her hubby is on board with the whole Weight Watchers thing--I know it can be quite a change. I know my hubby will be excited to go with whatever once he's back, but for now he's eating the "thank you Uncle Sam" meals with some variety of quality! I think he's looking forward to some home-cooked foods in the future.

That's one area I'm a little nervous about: Eating in NYC. I want to be able to enjoy the food, but I also am going to be counting WW points and working that system, and it will be easy to overdo. I just have to really plan and feel confident, and also count those activity points for all the walking we'll be doing! Plus there's a pool (and whirlpool!), so exercise is definitely possible. Likely. Guaranteed, really, based on the walking factor. So that's good.

I hear Andrew stirring. Well, actually, he's yelling to me from his crib. So, must go for now--coffee is cooling and I'm ready to nurse and see how the little man is doing this morning! Hope you are having a blessed week! Ciao for now.