Week one: completed! I feel successful and dazed. I had a sense that things went well this past week--I really did. I had a good handle on my points (how WW people keep track of food amounts) and was honest. Really, that's been the biggest challenge in the past with me--honesty. I figured out that if I could lie to other people, I could lie to myself. So I lied to myself about how much I was eating and voila! I got...huge. Pretty big.

I have friends who have never seen me "fit" or smallish, so they just simply don't know any different. The layers I have built up over the years are some sort of shelter for me, but why I do not know. I really don't. It feels that somehow it's about rejection--that somehow I am sheltered from "real" rejection or hurt with my layers of fat. I won't be rejected or hurt based on factors that are of the heart, mind, or soul if I am first judged by people based on my body fat. So I can just shove all the people who have disappointed or hurt me into this big category of "People Who Didn't Like Me Based on the Fact I am Fat." I realize this may sound crazy, but I honestly believe and feel deeply that this is part of the struggle I've had. ( Yes, I've been in counseling and am continuing to be, if you wondered. I realize this stuff is bigger than I am and a third party can be immensely helpful.)

Somewhere, down deep, I have had this sense that important people in my life have been rejected, or no longer loved, based on the fact that they gained weight. I didn't have this in the front of my mind as a child, but as I learned snippets of things over time, I believe I formed this irrational idea that this is what happened to someone I loved, and could/would happen to me as well. So it's like, if it was going to happen, I might as well be the one pushing it on and being in "control" of it. Yep, I brought the crazy to town with that one, but am reassured that this is, in fact, not uncommon. Whew. So, whereas people with anorexia have a need for power over food/eating and manipulate it by not eating, I have done the opposite since I can remember...for years and years. When I have been out of control, this is what I have done. That, and I had the sense of stuffing down feelings, stuffing down things I didn't want to think about. It was a welcome distraction and it felt good in the moment. Oh, but then the guilt.

That guilt is overwhelming. Just almost a blinding pain, when it really sinks in. So disappointing and it just fueled that self-pity, self-shame and the anguish of feeling caught in a web that I created and was now out of my control. I had become truly out of control.

I feel freedom now like I haven't in years. Last week was nearly like a detox week for me--I really had to focus on not just one day at a time, but sometimes one hour at a time. With God's help, I made it through my first week and felt pretty great--I knew I hadn't lied to myself, to God, to anyone about my food choices, and I enjoyed eating and moving a little bit more. I began to feel some freedom I hadn't felt in a long, long time.

You might be interested to know that I actually lost 9 pounds last week. Nine! That just shows how out-of-whack I was before I started Weight Watchers and made this commitment. Holy moly, people! NINE. I wasn't expecting, nor will I expect in the coming weeks, that kind of loss in that amount of time. I attribute this weight loss to simply the drastic changes in healthy living that I made, suddenly, and my body's (over?) reaction to those changes. But I will not look a gift horse in the mouth, friends. I'm pleased with this jump-start.

My husband and I spoke for a bit yesterday and he was so encouraging and happy for me. He started to talk about what could happen in my journey in a year's time, but I stopped him. I cannot focus on an entire year. I can't really think about next week, even, or really even tomorrow. This applies to the big stuff in our lives right now--my health journey, and his deployment. I cannot think about this "big picture," but just here and now. Just today. I cannot handle any more than that. He totally understood. He loves me so. I'm so blessed.

Well, anyway, here we are in Day 2 of Week 2...just coffee thus far, but plans for a quick breakfast before heading to church. So, ciao for now! (Chow for now, maybe?)

Saying Goodbye

Good gracious, this last weekend was difficult. Argh. I believe we are doing pretty well, honestly--it is a challenge at times, but we are thus far emotionally stable and just sort of getting through our days, adjusting to the changes and the absence. I think the size of our house (small) really plays a part in emphasizing the fact that he is not occupying space in it. Just speaking of percentages, Neal was taking up a large percentage of space, you know? I mean, he isn't a tub-o, but with the limited space we have here, his absence is really noticed when he is gone. Does this even make sense?
I've taken some videos of Neal with the kids, but we never got around to recording Neal reading children's books on camera. Maybe we can figure out a way for him to do that and send it home. I think it would be a great thing to be able to play to both of the kids, but especially to help little Andrew in keeping Neal's face familiar. He'll quickly bounce back once Neal is home again, I know, but it hurts my heart to think that when Neal gets back Andrew won't know who he is. I want to try to aid in making that less of a reality, so the pictures, videos, and webcam access will hopefully help.
We also have these cool little doll thingies that are in the army fatigue print, with a place to put a picture of our soldier's face. It's a nice idea for military kids.
I am totally open to hearing ideas about increasing/improving communications, especially for kids (like my kids' ages, 11 and less than 1 right now) while he's deployed. Any thoughts are welcome!
I want to take this moment to thank the "Power of Pinesol, Baby."

Oh. My. Garage.

Suddenly, yesterday, my most favorite places in my living room started smelling like a men's urinal. Like this old, dehydrated, built-up urine smell. It did not smell this way the day before. It did not smell like this in the past. Just suddenly yesterday, BOOM, my favorite haunts for relaxation, nursing, blogging, etc were like PeePee Land. Oh my heavens, it's disgusting!

I did the sniff test until nearly hyperventilating, smelling furniture and the floor. The only thing I have found thus far is the baby jumpy thing, where Andrew had a peepee accident yesterday morning. I can't imagine that was the culprit for this entire section of my house, but I quickly removed the washable fabric to clean, and now have doused the surfaces with sudsy lemon-scented Pine Sol. I washed off the computer desk, the pleather computer chair, and used a damp Pine Sol cloth to wipe down my favorite chair. I smelled all of my clothing in the last day or so to see if somehow it was ME. Nothing smells like urine!

It's such an insidious smell, too. It penetrates your SOUL.

On a related note; my journey to weight loss and health has taken a sudden turn for the better, as I am too grossed-out to want to eat. It smells like a dang dirty bathroom and the tingly-ammonia smell that makes my eyes water a little is a definite deterrent for bad eating habits. Scratch that: It's a definite deterrent for any eating habits. I popped a bag of popcorn last night, thinking I wanted a snack. I ate a few bites and had to just throw it away. I was too grossed-out!

This is giving me bad ideas about how to curb my appetite.

I'm going to take a moment here to switch gears and just say how blessed I am, we are, to have such a great FRG. The (mostly) ladies who make up the group and give supportive comments on Facebook in addition to attending activities, etc, are just precious. We have shoulders to lean upon and people we can just talk with and know that we're in the same boat. It's such a wonderful resource to have. Also, the groups who have stepped forward to offer help and support are really great--specifically the Oak Ridge VFW, for one. We've been adopted by them and I know they will help if anything is needed in the coming year or so. Very reassuring to both families at home as well as soldiers!

I have projects I need to finish, probably with help, as he was unable to finish them before he left. I have to replace the front door. I also need to take apart the changing table/shelving unit and fix it, then put it back together. For these two projects I plan to ask for help. I think I have a person for the changing table who is far more talented in such matters than I, but I still need to figure out the door stuff.

I also think I'm going to get a security system reactivated for the house. Any thoughts on this? We're already set-up with one, it's just not activated. My parents (dad and stepmom) have had one for years, but otherwise I have little experience with them. Input appreciated!

Okay, ciao for now. More another time, as I have lots to do today! It is Day 3 of this journey, and I'm anxious to make my soldier proud on the home front as he makes me proud where he is.

New York or Bust!

So we're going to New York City!

Pretty excited. Almost giddy about it, and totally would be if it just wasn't surrounded by the fact that the days in NYC will be our last days for a long time with Neal. Kinda hard, that one. Lots hard.

But let's focus on the fun stuff! This Spring, we'll be visiting NYC for approximately 4-5 days. Whee! I've never been, Neal's never been--and Aaron and Andrew haven't either, lol, so yay! We are exploring together.

Very, very hard, planning and investigating, and not having lots of time to work with! To really get a good visit to New York City, I'm pretty sure you need at least 2 years. Sadly, we will not be spending that much time on vacation, so lots of "weighing of options" is taking place now. We aren't that far off from when we leave, and by April we need to be booking hotels and such.

First we'll travel to New Jersey, where we'll meet up with Neal. It'll be great after not seeing him for a while! Then we'll go on our little family trip to The Big Apple! So far I'm making a list of "Top Places We Should Consider Visiting." Then, from there, we'll decide as a family which things we will pick. Can't help but wish for more time, but we'll make the most of it, without going crazy rushing here and there. Here's the list thus far:

The Met (probably a whole day, or most of a day, spent there)
Central Park (not far from the Met!)
Lombardi's Pizza
Katz's Deli
Chinatown
Ellis Island
Statue of Liberty

That's my list so far--I'm trying to get down no more than 15 to have to narrow down, so I'm not too overwhelmed. By "I" I mean "we"--we're planning this as a family! I've just been the one charged with the research-type work. It's fun!

Any ideas or suggestions on NYC stuff, from hotels to sights, is really welcome! Also, we're probably taking a cab from New Jersey--is this what you would recommend?

Can't wait to update you on more plans! This will be a great little vacation, I'm sure. And we're travelling with kids, which should make it interesting, fun, and maybe a bit challenging. We'll see!