Why is it so hard this week? I'm up, late as usual...just in absolute wonder about the power of addiction. It blows my mind! It is such an insidious, all-consuming, bear of a burden sometimes. I give it so fully to God, again, right now. I do every day. But hormones are tough things to wrestle with, and when food is the craving, it can be so hard. But I persevere, I am honest with my intake, I stick with the plan and I write it all down. So, there we have it--a hard week after 6. Not too shabby, I guess, but this is the time in the past when I've tucked tail and turned away from health.

Guess what? Not gonna happen. So it's hard this week. Or just today. Too bad. I still have to wake up tomorrow (actually, err, later today), I have to get dressed, I have to move forward, I have to be strong and I have to, HAVE to, lean on Him. Fully. I don't even completely know what that means! I really don't! I know I must give this to Him, daily, consciously and with purpose. But what then? How? Sometimes it feels like moving through mud. It's like I arrive at the door, lay it down there, and then stand there, waiting for the door to open, I guess? Instead of opening it for myself? I don't know if that's the right analogy. It's lacking. I think it's more, I've arrived, I've laid it down, but...now I am waiting for the light and laser show? Who am I kidding here? What am I waiting for?

I am that way with Bible study, too. His word is a tool for us to live by, it was written and compiled for Christians to work with, to learn from, to grow, to understand more, to share. And yet, how much time have I spent in the word this week? Month? YEAR? Pitiful. But I do tend to just...hold the Bible. Like, maybe I will learn and grow spiritually through osmosis? Or something? I don't "just" go to church. I pray. I talk. I try to walk the walk. I honestly worship--not just attend functions, but try to be a part, to grow, to contribute. But, friends, there is so much that I am not tapping into, that as a Christian I am called to do. I have so much more I could do spiritually, and I could grow and be challenged and question and share, and I only do a little of this. I want to be fed with that spiritual food!

But yeah, I have had the demons coming out more this week. I think hormonal, err, shifts? have been a large contributing factor. But, also, my husband being overseas now (he was still stateside) is a stress factor. I can't deny that. Maybe it's a combination of things.

Planning the little dude's first birthday party! Yay! This will be a fun day, with some family and friends, just relaxing and watching him have cake for the first time. I'm even using the grill--I've never used a gas grill before. Watch out, neighbors! Aaah! :)

Okay, my eyes are totally fogged up now--I need sleep, pronto. As usual, this has been incredibly cathartic. Thank goodness for this outlet. I have felt just-barely-with-it this week and past weekend, and I needed to get it out!

Oh, and on a side note--after eating somewhat indulgently, and with exercise, I was up a pound at last weigh-in. That's IT! That is after being gone almost a week, traveling and eating rich (but portion-controlled) foods in NYC! Wow! I was about to begin my, err, hormone stuff, too--so a pound was probably just due to that. I was pleased with this. And although I say I was pleased, I hate any "increase," no matter the reason or cause or rationality of it. SO, I would love to see a loss this week. Go, team!

Sending you love, as always. :)