Nearing the end of Week One

Hey! I am really, really grateful. I have had "bad" start-up weeks before, when I frankly wasn't ready. I wasn't in "that place" and just joined, started, and POOF! was off the wagon again.

The wagon terminology isn't a mistake there--there is absolutely no question that this is a food addiction that I struggle with. Everything about it mimics the struggles of alcoholics, except instead of alcohol, it's food. Difficult thing, that. Alcoholics do not have to have a portion of alcohol every day of their lives, even in recovery. I have to eat. So, yes, a struggle.

I have bolstered up my defenses to aid me all around this goal I have! Weight Watchers' meetings once a week, online resources and support, my blog (more cathartic than you might know), programs on t.v. that bring my particular issues front and center for me to really think about, be real about, NOT ignore and not pretend as if they do not exist. No more playing hide and seek with what has really been going on in my life for so many years. And no more worrying my family, my friends and particularly my children regarding my health and wellness. Mental, emotional and physical--it all ties together.

So, I sit here eating out of necessity--I didn't get all of my veggies/fruits in today, and although I want to break the habit of night eating, I really really really want to be on program as much as possible. Having one and a half veggies today wasn't right, and not healthy. So, it's carrots right now, raw. And a fresh red delicious apple and a seedless orange! Really a nice little fresh snack, nothing heavy and nothing overwhelming. In the past, though, night eating has been a trigger for overeating, so this is something I want to generally avoid.

Oops, almost forgot--I am now starting to read Twelve Steps for Overeaters as well. I have had it on my shelf for, ooooh, three years? Just haven't even cracked that thing open. Very symbolic of my eating issues: I thought about change, I looked it over, I practiced a bit, I put it on the shelf and sort of pretended it wasn't there, mostly. I decided that eating and stuffing down feelings and wallowing and existing in my particular way was more important and felt better than being healthy. The change and the honesty that is necessary for weight loss and health have overwhelmed and scared me tremendously the past few years. Maybe someday soon I can explain this more eloquently. I am not sure. I just thank God for giving me the boosts daily that I need.

I have been speaking with my hubby on a fairly regular basis while he's where he currently is. Other than being pretty emotional from time to time, I'm doing much better this week. Thank God! He sounds great, is getting stuff done, dental work (again) on Friday. Busy! But nearing the end of week 2 and staying positive. I miss him a whole lot. A whole freakin' lot. Sometimes it is a physical pain. Other times it isn't nearly as pronounced--more a dull awareness, but generally okay-feeling. But when the emotional stuff comes up, or wells up in my throat, sometimes I can't even think of holding anything in and I just need to cry. It happens.

I'm going to post a picture I do not love of ME, but I really do love of our family. It also serves as a good example of a "before" picture, but before I would ever officially put a "before" pic up.

That's all for now--I promised Neal I would take care of some stuffs online, and I need to before I doze off! Ciao for now!