Julie's Mission at Home: A Soldier's Wife's Journey of Health, Family and Survival

Journey with me as I document my experiences in parenting, getting healthier, and being a wife to my wonderful soldier and a mom for my two boys!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Yum Yums and Being Convinced

(Picture featured is from Christmas Day, 2008)
Ugh, really, egg whites in their natural form, from a carton at that, look pretty diiisssguuusttting. So I didn't look at them too much as I poured them into the waiting pan. I've never actually bought one of those cartons before--I usually just separate them on my own. However, my family eats the yokes-in version of eggs, so I am supplementing our supply with my ready-t0-be-made-normalish-looking carton of egg whites. I had some amount of these with salt and pepper, used a little butter in the pan to scramble with, and added 2 pieces of incredibly complicated-looking whole grain toast. I added about a tsp of butter per slice. I believe in butter.

I do have other ways I've started gradually cutting back, though, so measuring small amounts of butter for things I enjoy is a way to be sane. I'm at a point where I can't just go "cold turkey" with this. If I do, I know what will happen. This is not like alcoholism, where the alcoholic can just completely, and SHOULD completely, cut alcohol from their intake. Same thing with pretty much all other addictions. Sadly, this isn't possible with food--I must partake, and daily, and fairly often. So this food addict that has manage her food intake. And hopefully without thinking in the third-person voice too often.

So, last night was challenging and I didn't do great, as I used a classic excuse for excessiveness. My son's birthday dinner out with my parents--we ate at Red Lobster. I didn't choose steamed veggies and lowfat dressing and grilled fish. I got coconut shrimp and a baked potato with sour cream, no butter, and a caesar salad. These are all mediocre choices. Also had 1 cheese biscuit. Drank water. So there were small victories, but mostly due to the fact that other people were there, watching. I couldn't get away with eating 3 or 4 of those delicious evil biscuits without a comment or look, both of which I abhor. I really really hate them.

My therapist was impressed last time we spoke with the fact that I'm doing fine with ultra-managing our expenses and budget while my husband is deployed. That is to say, my husband and mother are going to be very helpful in setting up a system, which I'm a part of, because I can sometimes overspend. Depression doesn't help in those times. I am happy that we are setting up a pretty controlled, but very reasonable, system. Therapist said she was impressed that I didn't feel like bucking or reacting to this kind of system--I said thanks, but spending isn't my #1 indulgent/compulsive behavior, so I don't feel a loss. If someone starts to try to control my eating and food choices, buddy, watch OUT. I get offended, defensive, nasty, and probably intentionally self-sabotage the "dietary suggestion." It is incredibly infantile and ridiculous, but I feel like a cornered animal when that happens. I also struggle with the guilt and shame and self-deprecation when it is brought to my attention that other people are aware of my weight, of my struggle, and are moved to help.

Why is this so complicated and difficult?

I went grocery shopping and had some fun with that, picking whole grain things and lighter things, and very little red meat. I am going for healthy options first, reducing cholesteral-laden items more often, cutting back on red meat, increasing lean proteins and higher fiber. Trying to keep those veggies, fruits and non-caloric liquids up. Before I think of doing other things, I am first tackling these hurdles, which aren't terribly difficult. Just a little challenging. I'm bringing better balance in. I've not weighed myself yet, I've not done anything like measuring, but I am increasing awareness and intention in my eating.

Andrew is smearing cottage cheese all over the high chair tray and his face....he is thoroughly enjoying himself. I want to be sure he has a healthy relationship with his food. Right now he is definitely loving it. :)

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